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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hey Haruno--
As a reader, just starting this story, I don't know what a Northern accent is. The category means nothing to us, and therefore you shouldn't use it right away a description. You can bring it up later, when we know more about the world and what a Northern accent implies, but until then, don't bother using that categorization. Ditch it, or at least describe what the accent sounds like without labeling it right away.
The sentences are very choppy here -- short and plentiful. You can combine some of them, such as the sun fading line with the pale pinkish-orange description. It will allow for a better flow to the writing.
I didn't know he was on the street until the soldier said this. Mention it prior to this, maybe describe the hard floor he wakes up on, or stone, or rolling over and seeing people fussing about in the street - however you want to describe it. You have the creative judgment here. =)
To be determined? Haha. Perhaps substitute it with a temporary name.
This is a comma splice. The second comma isn't necessary, as the two sentences are independant and cannot be connected with a comma. You could use a semi-colon, but it would be best to start a new sentence. You can read more about comma splices in this article, as they're tricky little things: http://grammartips.homestead.com/splice.html
"I don't look that pitiable, do I?"
Your tenses are a bit mixed up here. "Which were admittedly a bit low."
There are several typos in here.
This should be in italics, if it's his thoughts.
I'm feeling like there's a prologue I missed, since I am very confused. Still, a story should not be entirely dependent on it's prologue.
You kept mentioning his sister having been killed and Fang being MIA, and these phrases are scattered throughout the story. Instead of constantly bringing it up and letting the readers go: "What happened? What?", since he seems to dwell on it so much perhaps describe what happened, and then the reader will know that this is what inspired his anger and hostility toward the kingdom.
Of course, possibly that was in the prologue. So I'm not going to comment so much on the plot, since I feel I'm missing some things. Though, it's best not to stuff so much information into your prologue - maybe mention something at the beginning of the chapter, and abandon mentioning it again.
And I have to agree with what someone else said. His name seems odd, since you go and call something else "wolfsbane" -- strange, that his name is reference to something that brings misery to his kind. It sounds cool, but it's not realistic. Unless there is a reason why he's named a morbid name, mention that later, though I think it would be best to find a different name for him that sounds more realistic.
PM me if you have questions, and keep writing!
~ Clo
Yeah, I think it’s really good, deep and original; alot of room to expand and histroy/anatomy of werewolves. The descriptions flow with the narrative and plot, which I think is good. The ideas in there are interesting, and only a couple of issues, which have probably been picked up on already:
- Bane’s actual name bothers me. Why would his name be something that causes misery, unless their parents/name’s whole intent was to cause pain misery themselves; Bane himself doesn’t sound like he wants to cause pain to humans too much. Also, the fact that the werewolves names are Bane and Fang make it overly obvious that they are werewolves, even in human form. I’d suggest that they have human names, and werewolf names, but then it’d kind of make them sound like super heroes or something: “Fred the man by day, Bane the werewolf by night”. Sorry, that must be really irritating. Sorry...
- “Bane sucked in his breath as he examined her face. She was the most gorgeous human he had ever laid eyes on. Her delicately feminine features were aligned perfectly on her face. Her skin was as pale as a vampire, except for a bit of rosy colour splashed around her cheeks.” Surely if Bane was a werewolf, and he’s talking about humans, using human as an adjective as if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be that attracted to them anyway? Or have I completely missed something? If I have, then using ‘human’ in that context questions whether Bane is actually a human anyway, or ever has been, is slightly confusing. Unless that was the point. Sorry, I’m rambling.
- “Her nose turned up aristocratically,” and “accent was that of aristocratic society.” Aristocratically is too long an adjective to be used twice in quick succession. It sticks out.
Damnit, I meant to post this on chapter two. See, told you I'd do something stupid.
[/quote]Jeb was a wilderness guide[quote]
I think you should write it like "Jeb was also a wilderness guide" because Jeb was his friend so Bane would propably know his work
Well if we skip that out its a great story, keep up the good work
I like where this story is going so far, it catchs my atterntion from the start.
Chapter One
)
"Wake up, you urchin!" A rough voice with a heavy Northern accent grated Bane's eardrums as he stirred himself into consciousness.
"What do you want?" he said as he rubbed his eyes. The sun was fading in the sky. It had turned a pale pinkish-orange. He’d slept through the entire day. His vision blurred, and then cleared as he looked up and saw several Royal Soldiers dressed in full regalia. The royal family's crest was on their breastplates. He wondered how long he'd been asleep and where he was (Instead of writing he "wondered" Try putting the sentence in question format. For example: How long had he been sleeping and where was he? This is just a suggestion.).
"The royal family is coming through Ostia tonight, and the city leaders want all the poor off the street. It spoils their reputation. So that means you too!" said a young soldier, poking Bane with the butt of his regulation pike.
Ostia, thought Bane. So that's where I am. Ostia was a major port city of the kingdom of (TBD). He hadn't realized how far west he had wandered- all the way to the sea. After Fang had been kidnapped- or whatever had happened that night- Bane had wandered aimlessly for days, unaware of anything, his head still [s]throbbing[/s] throbbed with a concussion from when he'd been hit.
He could hardly remember any of it. Filthy humans. They'd taken his sister from him and now his brother, Fang.
Bane rolled over and closed his eyes. "Can't you just go away, you bastards?"
The Northern soldier squatted down to Bane's level and leaned in close to the thirteen-year old's face. "Excuse me?" he asked [s]threateningly[/s] (This is a lazy use of an adverb. Show the soldier's expression and we'll know he's threatening the boy). His breath [s]was[/s] (use a stronger verb besides "was." For example: His breath smelled of an...) an acrid mixture of alcohol and pipe smoke.
The younger soldier who had struck Bane earlier now whacked him on the head. Bane stuck out his tongue. "All right! I'll get up!" He got (up?) slowly to his feet.
Bane and the soldiers stared at [s]one[/s] each another for a moment, and then (try not to use overuse the word "then". It weakens your writing. How about something close to this: Bane and the soldiers exchanged glares for a moment. Without another word, the soldiers left.) the soldiers left.
Bane decided he would go into town after all.
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"I don't look that pitiable do I?" Bane asked himself [s]out loud[/s] (we know he's talking out loud because you have his words in quotes.) as he stretched his long arms. He stared down at his bare and calloused feet and laughed. "I look like a bloody tramp!"
Bane was tall with a lean muscular frame and broad shoulders. His midnight shoulder-length hair was so dark it shone with a subtle blue hue. The matted locks hung about his eyes constantly. He wore a tattered pair of beige pants, and a shirt that had a few holes, but wasn't half bad by his standards. Which are admittedly a bit low, he mused. His most noticeable feature was a stunning pair of blood red eyes. [This is an okay description, but next time try to scatter the description throughout the story. Give the reader bits of his picture as he does whatever he does. Reader sometimes skip over blocks of description like this can be skipped over.]
Bane strained his ears and heard the noise of busy city life: laughter, animals scuffling, and vendors selling their goods.
He was about half a mile outside of Ostia, just off of a well-traveled path. Most of (of what?) was covered by forest (Try writing in the active voice: The forest covered most of it.). Cities and towns were hundreds of miles apart from each other, connected by long convoluted paths. There were some major roads, but Bane preferred to take the less crowded ways- often meaning he traveled without a path at all. Bane knew the kingdom like the back of his hand. He was aware of all the shortcuts, all the trails that had long been forgotten.
For the past several years, he and Fang had worked as wilderness guides, leading travelers safely to their destinations for a fee. There was always someone looking to find their way. He and his brother had made quite a few close friends that way.
Bane picked up his pack and made his way toward the path. He hardly ever took this path because of the heavy traffic from merchants on it.
When Bane finally got to Ostia, he felt an immediate sense of cluastrophobia. He hated being around so many humans at once. It made him paranoid. It brought back memories of massacres he'd seen- the bodies of his people writhing in agony, grotesquely twisting and screaming- all because of a little chain of silver placed on their necks.
His cheeks flushed red as a familiar hatred rushed through his blood.
"Aye, Bane! Long time no see, eh?" someone abruptly called out to him. Bane glanced up and all the hatred immediately left his body. It was Jeb, one of Bane's only human friends. Jeb was a wilderness guide, and he had often gone on trips with clients with Bane and Fang. He was a tall, gangly man whose age was between eighteen to twenty-two. Bane wasn't entirely sure. Orphaned at an early age when berserkers from the Northernlands had ransacked his village, Jeb had been forced to fend for himself his entire life.
As far as Jeb was concerned, Bane was an orphan as well. He could never reveal the truth to Jeb.
Werewolves were hated all over with a lethal passion. They were regarded as demons or evil creatures. Of course, even werewolves referred to themselves ad demons. They were feared because they killed people, and because no one really new anything about them. Humans feared the unknown (Are these Bane's thoughts or the narrator's input? If it's not from Bane, I'd refrain from such generalizations). It was a common misconception that werewolves only shifted on the full moon, and that they killed for pleasure. (Instead of "telling" readers this information, show it. Show the humans hating the werewolves)
The truth was far different. Werewolves shifted involuntarily every night, as soon as the sun went down, unless prevented by something such as iron. Iron, silver, and the plant wolfsbane were the only things Bane knew of to prevent shifting. (I'd cut this too and just show it somewhere in the story)
Bane kept a small supply of wolfsbane, as well as a thin chain of iron that could be worn around his neck like jewlery, in case he ever needed to be with humans at night. He often wore his iron necklace when guiding people to their destinations.
He never used silver because werewolves were "allergic" to silver. Silver burned their skin, and if they were exposed to it for too long, they'd die a death of intense pain. Humans often executed Bane's kind by capturing them, binding them with iron handcuffs or force-feeding them wolfs bane so they cannot shift, and then placing silver chains around their neck. It was the cruelest way to kill a werewolf. Bane himself had a vicious scar around his neck from when he'd been caught in one of these massacres. It was red and angry-looking necklace that always reminded him of the day he lost his sister. (This is another "telling" paragraph. Let the readers discover this information as they read. What I mean is try to show this through Bane's thoughts or show a scene where this actually happens. Always try to show more than tell.
However, on a full moon, it is impossible for a werewolf to avoid shifting. On full moon, a werewolf truly became the worst kind of demon imagineable. They'd kill without thought, including their own kind. A werewolf couldn't control their actions during the full moon. Days before the full moon, packs of werewolves traveling in groups would break up and travel vast distances alone so they wouldn't attack each other. The full moon was Bane's worst enemy. (This paragraph as well...It's another "telling" paragraph.)
"Hey, Jeb." Bane said, his voice dripping with fake enthusiasm (this is too heavy for just two words. How about something close to: Hey, Jeb," Bane said blandly.). He was (felt?) too anxious about his brother for frivolous conversation.
Jeb hurried over to Bane, and smiled. Jeb's youthful green eyes searched Bane [s]quizzically[/s] (I have a bit a problem with this sentence. Wouldn't Jeb be looking around Bane, not at Bane if he was asking for Fang?). He frowned. "Where's Fang?" he asked innocently.
Oh, I dunno. A week ago some cloaked man grabbed Fang, knocked me out and disappeared. thought Bane with bitter sarcasm. "Uh- h-he sta-stayed in a town us two went through be-before. He, uh, doesn't care for the vagabond life anymore. I-I think he said he's going to train t-to b-be a, er, a blacksmith. Uh, he's an a-apprentice. I believe he fancies the smith's daughter." Normally a sovereign among liars, Bane stuttered like a guilty child.
One of Jeb’s bushy eyebrows went up like a warning flag. “I don’t believe you.” he said, crossing his arms.
Bane’s breath caught in his throat. What if he inquired about the town? What if he proposed they both visit Fang? What if...
Suddenly Jeb beamed. “That skinny boy a blacksmith? She must be one remarkable girl.”
Bane sighed with relief. “She’s quite pretty, I suppose.”
Hey Sakura, I really like your story. Good writing so far and I liked how you created Bane's character. His personality comes out quite well in this piece. I've offered my suggestions above. I hope they're helpful.
best wishes
Suzu
Great story!
Few points. First of all, if you want to keep the 13 year old age, you have to explain the advanced aging immediately, other wise it's confusing.
Also, you need to explain more about Bane's origins.
Other then that, It was really good!
95/100
I'm almost petrified by how good that was for someone of any age (let alone 13)
You have your own original mythology that is captivating
Strong Prose, Hurano.
To answer your questions:
1. Humans don't know all that much about werewolves. It's one reason they fear them. I know, it's a bit of a gap... He is hunted as well. This comes up later.
2. He's 13? I forgot about that! The first time I began to think about this plot, I was a lot younger. 13 seemed old. I should probably make him a bit older...
It seems hard to change the characters now. I feel like I actually know Bane, ha.
My werewolves do age faster then humans. It is explained later. Bane meets a human later. When she discovers his true form, some major info-dumping happens, though I hope you'll think it's done tactfully.
Much Better! Now, for the review!
I liked it as a fist chapter, I think it was a little info dumpish, but in an enjoyable way, because you actually cared about Bane and what was going on. I think this story could have a tendancy to break into a cliche, but it is is about werewolves, so there are some conventions you must keep up, but be careful. It's simply written, but that writing style works in the case of the main character being young. Again, very much improved. Congratulations.
I'm overly-curious about this story. Figured I'd critique it again.
The boy, again. I've mentioned that before. And, I'm asking myself, wouldn't Bane leave before the soldiers?
We've seen the prologue where Bane shifts, so the werewolf reference isn't exactly needed. Also, if blood-red eyes are uncommon and a werewolf trait, why isn't he hunted down in human form?
You've mentioned it's crowded twice. You can delete the first one.
Who is who? Use proper names a little more often to avoid confusion. Same note about the eighteen-twenty-two.
Nothing in particular is wrong with this passage, but maybe it would be a good idea to put the information about werewolves (the stuff after my last quote) after we get a little more information about Jeb and Fang. Hence, after this passage
So, that's the major nit-picks, mostly the same ones as before. My questions:
Why isn't he hunted in human form if he's got some unusual features like blood-red eyes and an angry scar around his neck?
And a new one: Do werewolves age at a faster rate then humans or something? Somehow I wouldn't imagine a thirteen-year-old being a wilderness guide, let alone having been one for several years. If he was seventeen then it's more believable.
So, since this is a cliff-hanger ending and I know the rest, I won't ask you where you're going with plot. It seems intriguing, in any case.
Hope I helped!